In Limerence With You

Full Clutch.

Unwavering Brake.

Handbrake At Its Peak.

Parked.

The car stood as motionless as the woman behind the steering wheel. Her eyes focused on the image ahead. Her heart drumming against the fastened seatbelt. The sun was glowing sharply that afternoon, as if he was trying his best to pump extra warmth through her cold veins. She let the unwelcomed rays of the sun to burn her skin, hoping to feel something even if it was on a physical level. With a cloudy mind and a heavy heart, she unfastened the seatbelt and vacated herself from the car. Pushing opening the gates, she was hit with a huge wave of nostalgia.

The wind wafted her inside the tennis court, gently beckoning her to sit at the rusty, off-coloured chair near the wall. Her vision became blurry, but her eyes remained dry as a mighty desert. Images of her batchmates waited in line, their feet moving rhythmically against the cement court. At the end of the line stood the younger version of herself, her footsteps on a roll, without missing a beat. As her turn approached, the player in her awoke. She sat there looking at the girl who had a way of making people smile and laugh.

The image on the film roll began to shift and a new picture took its form before her eyes. Seeing herself stand next to her father triggered pools of tears in her eyes, but she continued watching. She saw herself with a huge smile on her face looking at him. At her crush. She felt a strong pull that forced her to get out of the chair and rush towards her younger self. She circled the innocent girl who a naughty gleam in her eyes. She then looked at him, the boy who stole her breath away. For the first time ever, she had felt something she didn’t understand nor had any name for her feelings, but she loved how the emotions were swirling in her stomach.

The boy had smiled at her, melting her heart. The boy who was going to rob years away from her growing years; a throne that he had planted in her heart where he sat like the king he was. Days began to pass as her feelings for him began to brew at the pit of her stomach, tingling up to her throat and behind her ears. He was never present, but his absence was sorely felt by her. He was a guy with a plan for his future, she with a young and longing heart. The beautiful looks that had taken her breath away commenced to develop into something different, something she couldn’t put her finger on it. But she didn’t need to, she didn’t want to for she was reveling among the clouds of bliss.

Things took a turn for the worst, complications set in. But her heart was determined to be his forever. Every time she was him, which was quite rare and could be counted on the fingers of one hand, a gush of fresh air engulfed her, enveloping her with giddiness and excitement. She tried her best to contact him, to stay in connection with his gorgeous self, but all went down the drain. However, other things, things she hadn’t even an inkling about, were bubbling behind her back, brewing up the greatest storm of the developing stage of her life.

He chose her best friend instead.

Despite knowing how she felt for him, because he was no idiot, instead of discussing things with her, her best friend and him developed a relationship she was only imagining in her dreams. A tornado of betrayal swooped her unaware self-off her feet and spit out into a life of misery and trust issues. Still, her heart, or perhaps it was her mind (she couldn’t tell!), refused to give up on someone she thought was her first love.

But was he really?

She walked out of the tennis court, away from the memories and hope that was thick in the air, without so much as a second glance and started her car. Closing her eyes, she let out a deep breath, her soul and heart finally at ease when she understood, albeit quite late, her feelings for him for the first time. As she cruised through the road, covered with tall, cooling trees on either side, she let the realization dawn on her, not as a devastation but as a way that led her to the path of tranquility.

She wasn’t in love with him. She was simply in limerence with him. And, she was beyond happy that it finally came to an end. End of the most delusional era for her. But nonetheless, still a welcoming end to all the suffering and heartbreak.

Now, she breathed in air and breathed out rays of hope for a darling future that eagerly awaited her arrival.