A Dedication

“Are you okay?” Even from behind a screen, I could feel her concern towards me. “What happened?”

I had just quit my job only after three days.

I was fuming with rage. Tears of anger were pooling in my eyes; my vision was getting blurry. All I truly wanted was to reach home and hopefully, curl up into a ball and die. But there was something else within me that was battling against my suicidal thoughts.

Hunger.

A newfound hunger to fight back against everyone who ever said I wasn’t good enough; who made me feel I wasn’t worthy enough to be in their lives. A hunger to take back my life and show them what I was capable of.

“No, I am not okay.” I never once lied to her. And, I wasn’t going to begin now. “A couple of my employees in my job made comments about my weight.” I paused, incredibly mad but forever broken. “I had to do this.” I found myself pausing again. “Do you think I did the right thing by quitting?”

And, there it was, my inner saboteur.

“Of course, you did.” She said, without missing a beat.

But what I was about to say next; I was afraid to hear her response. But it was she who surprised me to my very core.

“If that’s your decision, I do and I will support you all the way. You got this and always remember, you’re not alone.”

She wasn’t a part of my family; she wasn’t blood. Even more puzzling, she and I had never once met. And yet, we had formed a connection, a bond, that goes beyond friendship. She may not be my family, but she was the one I chose to be a part of me, for now and forever more.

___________

__________

Heavy eyelids.

Pain.

Difficulty breathing.

Pain.

The images before my eyes were blurry and I was consumed with darkness one more time. I was whisked away into a world where no one and nothing was familiar, yet there was so much peace than the real world. There was a name swirling in my mind and I could hear myself saying that name over and over again.

J-J.

Bits and pieces of what had happened to me came to my mind, haunting me. Ripping my heart into shreds. I realize I was shaking my head, begging. And those who know me well, knows I don’t and nor do I like to beg. But I was and I wanted to this time.

Help.

Please.

Help.

I knew I had to let it go, for I had to endure it all. The pain and the betrayal. And finally, after struggling so much, I let go.

Darkness.

****

I heard voices around me and this time around, when I opened my eyes, I was finally able to see shapes and I heard my mother.

J-J-J.

I saw my mother scrambling near me despite the nurse asking her to leave.

“Jenni-”

And, I knew who I truly wanted.

“Jennifer!”

“Jennifer!”

“The surgery went well.” My mother was telling me. "You're alright."

“Jennifer!”

I saw my mother with her phone and I knew she was clicking my photo (which I never liked!).

“Jennifer!” I paused. “Send it to Jennifer!”

And, I saw my mother walk away.

“Jennifer!”

Darkness, again.

___________

On 25th April, I underwent a surgery called ‘Gastric Sleeve Surgery’ or commonly known as ‘Bariatric Surgery’. I was always a chubby kid and while when you’re a child, people may find that adorable (because let’s face it, you are cute!), it comes with a lifelong of trauma especially when you don’t outgrow the chubbiness. I was always a scared kid and it didn’t help that people, near and dear ones, around me would also instill insecurities within me about how I look or what normal is or should be.

I once had a doctor, who frankly is dead to me, told me to my face and in front of my mother that, “Let’s be honest, your daughter, she doesn’t look normal, does she?” And, I was waiting for my mother to hit him with a comeback (or I wouldn’t have minded her really hitting him!) but when I turned to face her, all I saw was tears of hurt in her eyes. I never had anyone in my life who stood up for me, and I was raised in a way and also because of my many insecurities, I had lost my voice.

Until I met Jennifer.

As a writer, I always keep people and their names anonymous. But I believe we should always acknowledge people, especially if they’re the reason you’re still breathing. I’ve dedicated many of my writing to her, not because I owe her or anything, but because I always want her and even the world to know that I am so grateful and lucky to have her in my life. She came into my life as a stranger, who gradually turned into my friend but now she is my everything. What she is or means to me lies within the deep valves of my heart, but she has understood me and supported me in a way that no one ever even tried to. And, she has saved me too many times just by being there for me when everyone else had left me to die.

Now, I have lost over forty-five pounds with her constant support and my hard work and strong will. And yet, shedding those pounds doesn’t feel good as it should. Because upon being forced to make a decision, not because I wanted to myself, because of others, I feel like I have lost my soul and heart along with those pounds.

So, this is for everyone who’s struggling with body image. Whether you’re curvy or skinny, dark-skinned or have a fair complexion, tall or short, or anything that, when you look at the mirror, makes you pause and self-doubt yourself, please know you’re amazing the way you are. Don’t let others tell you what you are because deep within, you already know who you are and that you drips of awesomeness and beauty.