Gone But Never Forgotten

Dearest Dewta,

The stern tick of a clock.

A blink of an eye.

The snap of your fingers.

An exhale of a breath.

It’s weird how quickly things change, situations worsen, relationships break, and people bid us goodbye. Forever. Sometimes it only takes a word or a string of words to hurt someone’s sensitive yet struggling heart; sometimes the actions of people ruin everything. Smallest of gestures, like sizing someone from head-to-toe dripping with judgement or being present in the moment when you feel alone and the world crashing on you, makes a huge difference.

The meaning of my whole life got lost into a mist, a fog of darkness in 2012 when my brother came rushing to get me, “Let’s go; Dewta is in the hospital.” I looked at my then best friend and assured her I would be back, but, for me, there was no coming back. I lost the rhythmic beats of my heart in 2020 when I was deprived off of my hero: you. You were snatched from me, Dewta, and I stood there motionless, unable to do anything.

I couldn’t do anything as you slipped out of my hold, my life.

Now, after two years, I was rushing back to the same hospital, even though the looks of the building and everything have changed tremendously, to see her gone as well. I must be the stupidest person alive for I missed the time you breathed your last, and I missed hers too. But I did get to say I loved her and I’m so sorry I didn’t get to tell you.

Dewta, Aita is gone.

Who will play cards with me now? Who’ll not care that I just woke up cranky as hell and still greet me with a, “Good morning!” and who'll keep repeating it until I answer her back? Who’ll I go to when I am feeling blue? Whose loving touch on my head will I now feel when I get sick or hurt, even if it was just a cold or a headache? Who’ll love me with the passion she had running through her veins? With whom will I play carrom now without feeling her absence within me, without missing her perfect strokes in the game? Who will stop me from touching her feet and instead taking me in her arms and giving me the world?

You and Aita were the only two people in my life who loved me with a passion I haven’t seen or felt before. You were my hero, my soldier who fought so strongly till the very end and I wish I knew how you had let go, only to know if that was more agonizing than what you were going through when you were alive. Aita was a fierce woman who also battled until the very last moment, even at her age only proving age is just a number. She was a badass who drove Jeep and who could care less about people who were not her own.

You both were same, weren’t you?

You both died carrying the love and the worries of our family in the deepest vaults of your hearts, never once thinking about your own selves. I had someone in my life who once told me, after you had passed away, that when the time comes the person actually goes peacefully. Even though I respect their opinion and what they believe in, I was still so pissed at them for saying that because I saw you. I saw how much you suffered, and I felt your pain. At that time, I didn’t explain it to that person the things you ever went through; I still haven’t. I guess mostly because it’s unexplainable and only could be seen and felt. And even though I am a stubborn bitch when it comes to this, somewhere I do hope what they said is true.

Yet, I can’t believe or accept their viewpoint for I have seen both of you die in front of my eyes and how a horrible way you both left this world. I feel worse because both you and Aita went away not only with the physical pain, but the mental anguish and the heartache that I never wanted either of you to experience. I don’t know how your end was, but in some twisted manner, I'm happy my mother was there with Aita during her last moment. I also know that the reason says failure of an organ, but I knew it was her who finally let it go. And, I am not mad.

I am just so heartbroken.

On 20th February, you left me taking my heart with you, leaving behind a you-shaped hole where my heart was. And on 7th July, Aita (my loving grandmother) breathed her last, joining right next to where you are and I could see that the shape I have now, instead of my heart, looks and feels more like home for I can see you both holding the baby me in your arms, looking at me with nothing but love and adoration.

Oh, and Dewta?

I know you don’t believe in the possibility of any kind of existence after someone dies, but in case you were surprised with a place where you finally meet the people you love, can you wish “Good Morning” every day to Aita from me?

And, will you wait till we meet again so I can say the same to you too every single day?

And I promise, to both of you, I won’t get annoyed or cranky anymore as long as that greet also comes with a side of a long hug from the both of you!

Tumar, always. Mrigakhi.