With Love, Always.

My Beloved Aita,

03:56 a.m.

The clock will soon strike four and your Phesi (Owl) will still be up for her nightly ventures. You know, I never liked when you used to call me that? I still don’t. But one thing I do know, for sure; behind the term that you bestowed upon me, even though it triggers my insecurities, is nothing but love.

(FYI? Your Parrot Nose isn’t that great either!).

The day you breathed your last, a gush of my own ash dispersed from my soul for my heart has been burnt down to ashes. Since I am the biggest fool alive on this planet, I am so sorry that I wasn’t there when you exhaled your last breath. Even though there is no right or wrong way to grieve someone or something, I still feel a sword of guilt swinging above me, slicing me piece by piece. I am sorry that I've been so aloof, so cold throughout this whole thing. It’s not about you, but about the demons that live inside my head. Ever since my father passed away, everything, even a single bone that felt something for someone, was gone with him as well.

I can face anything and everything; I have faced my dad battling against the cancer that ate him alive. I was there when numerous surgeries were done on him, with the hope that one of the operations would get rid of the monster that was rapidly killing him. I saw his appearance change, and felt my heart broke when his eyes turned sad upon looking at his reflection (You know how conscious he was about his looks!). And, I was there to witness certain things I wish I never had seen in my life. With you as well, I saw you fight against every evil and bad energy that was trying to push you down. I saw you suffer in so much pain and yet, never giving up. The best thing I ever saw was you joking around in the hospital even at the critical condition you were in. And I saw you grappling to breathe for your lungs were malfunctioning, failing you.

I could and have seen so much, but forgive me for I can’t face the ultimate day. I can’t face my dad’s death, nor could I accept yours.

Just like the day when my father was cremated, I felt alone on yours too. I couldn’t go back home and see you waiting to take me in your arms, providing comfort while steeling your own heart when my father, your beloved son-in-law, passed away. I had no one I could turn to, but let me tell you this: your grandson, your Jaan? He was an upstanding, grown man who pulled me into his arms, and embraced me while his own heart was breaking into pieces. I feel bad that at such a young age, he had to face such a harsh reality: to watch someone leave this world, someone he loved with every fiber of his being. But I give you my word: Your grandson and my cousin; he is a good guy with a conflicting mind but he’s a good one. And, he’ll go far, to many places, and make you even prouder than he already has. Just watch over him, like you always have, okay?

He truly is your Jaan.

I want you to know that your daughters, the twins, gave their all in their own way to fight for you till the end. Whereas, and I know you don’t like when I talk ill about your loved ones, your youngest daughter failed you at every step of the way. And yet, she took all the rights that were meant to fall on people who were there for you, always. But I will spare you the dirty details for I know your love for each and every one of us was unconditional.

My dearest Aita.

I know my heart has turned into ice, and nowadays it’s difficult to even scratch the tip of the iceberg, but I hope you always know how much you mean to me. I won’t use past tense for you’re still alive in my heart. You’re one badass grandma who didn’t teach me hymns or songs of the Gods, as most devoted grandmothers would to their grandchildren, but you taught me to play cards. Your love for mathematics always made me roll my eyes but only showed me how quick you are. You’re a true addict for you were addicted to all the right (and some wrong things!) things in the worst of ways.

I am going to miss all those nights we, just you and I, stayed up late playing games. How happy you were to lose sleep, at your age, just so you don’t have to lose time with me. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you with my words, but I hope with my actions, you knew how much I love you. It’s true that no one can ever measure up to a grandmother’s love and you and your love is a proof of that.

I just wish you didn’t have to leave us, leave me.

I hope wherever you are, you’re finally in peace and when you look over us, please don’t worry. Human beings are stupid but sooner or later, we always figure things out. No need for you to lose sleep over us, okay?

I love you, forever and always.

Tumar Majoni, Mrigakhi.

P.S. Good Morning, Aita!